Failure

Today's one of those days when I feel like a complete failure. I just wrote my superior at Aurora College, where I've been teaching for the past four years, telling her that I wouldn't be applying for a casual position there for the fall. Last year was really difficult - I was only offered 10 hours a week initially, which was upped to 15 hours a week after Christmas. In addition, those hours were on a split shift; teaching from 11 to 12 am and from 3 to 4 pm. I made the best of it last year, deciding to home school Bram, which I think was a great decision for him.

However, I just received an email from my superior essentially telling me that nothing was going to change timetable wise for this year. I can't do that again. It was really difficult - not to mention that it was really part-time. This is a time in my life when I should be having my greatest earnings, in preparation to drawing a pension in the future. Instead, I have no pension (you don't get one doing casual, part-time work) and not a great future - at least not in teaching.

I'm sitting here feeling really blue - even though I said I wouldn't be teaching this fall, it's really hard to actually say I won't be teaching this fall. It's also really scary being in limbo. It'd be so much easier if I had something else lined up ahead of time so I could say forget you. You're not offering enough so I'm going elsewhere. It's a lot harder to say you're not offering enough, so I'm going to keep looking. I'm feeling like a failure. Why have I devoted over 20 years to being a teacher, and yet always only had term positions? What could I or should I have done differently? Other people seem to have no problem starting teaching, having a term position to start with and then changing to a more permanent position. If I can't do that, does that mean that I just haven't had the skills? After 20+ years teaching, what should I be doing with my life? The other thing is that I have really loved teaching. I'd like to think I made a difference with some of my students. However, it's not enough to love something if you can't make a living at it.

I know that the Lord will provide - he always has. It's just really hard stepping out not knowing what I will be doing in the future - where will the Lord provide. I'm wishing Lloyd was here (misery loves company).